Ode to Pizza Pockets

"Blessed be thy pocket eaters" -Jesus H. Christ (H is for Hot Pocket)

It's Thursday morning, you wake up late for work, you put rotten milk in your coffee, your dog shits on the rug, your anxiety monster is biting the back of your neck and you can't find your lucky stapler. It's not even 11:00 am.

While your world crumbles beneath your very feet, you remember something. The corners of your mouth begin to wrinkle in what can only be described as a sinister smile. Your heart beats faster. Your nostrils flare.

There are Pizza Pockets in the freezer. All is well in the world again. Thursday has been saved. COVID-19 is over.

To you, these may be called Pizza Pops. But if you have an intimate and historic relationship with them, they become Pizza Pockets. When you know them as long and as well as I do, you just call them pockets. 

There are five main factors you need to know about Pizza Pops aka Pizza Pockets aka Hot Pockets aka Pockets:

1.) Pockets per package

Each package of Pockets contains 2 Pockets. This constitutes the minimum number of Pockets one must eat at a time. If you want more than 2 Pockets, then you need to eat at least 4, 6, 8, 10 or 12 Pockets. If you want less than 2 Pockets, then you need to eat 2 Pockets. 

2.) Pocket Preparation

Microwaves are a Pocket's best friend. Each package of Pockets can be microwaved inside the packaging ("packaging" refers to plastic wrapper, not cardboard box.) Pockets can also be removed from packaging and microwaves on a plate. Follow guidelines on box to microwave Pockets for necessary amount of time. 

Pocket Tip: If you share my appreciation for hardened crunchy cheese on your plate, add 24 seconds to microwaving. 

3.) Sounds Associated with Pockets

When eating Pockets, sounds are encouraged. Whilst other meals are best enjoyed with closed mouths and minimal vocalization, Pockets demand different. After each bite of Pockets, purse your lips while leaving a small hole open and loudly inhale and exhale consistently until morsel is swallowed. If cheese has fallen out of your mouth in process, slurp cheese back in as loud as possible. 

4.) Pains Associated with Pockets

As with all things in life, balance is required. The yin and yang of Pockets revolve around the concept of pain and pleasure. The amount of pleasure you receive from devouring Pockets must always be balanced with a proportionate amount of pain. If you are a Pocket aficionado, you already know what I'm saying. If you're not, be warned that the inside of your mouth will be a temporary war zone while you enjoy Pockets. The combatant yields molten cheese weaponry and is guaranteed to burn your inner mouth severely. See this threat not as a deterrent, but as a necessity to achieving Pocket nirvana. 

5.) Pocket Pairings

Pockets are a complete meal, consisting of all food groups. Vegetables (tomato sauce), Protein (pepperoni), Dairy (cheese), Grains (Pocket), Fat (again, cheese). While I do not advise nor condone the pairing of Pockets with any other dish, I respect your decision to do so if feeling compelled. While Pockets themselves stand alone, pairing Pockets with Pasta or other dishes could elevate the presentation by a degree. Trial at your own discretion.

Advisory Note: When referencing Pockets, always use capitalization of the letter 'P'. 

If you have any questions, comments, or feedback, or just want to discuss Pockets at greater length with a fellow connoisseur, do not hesitate to contact us.